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Controlling Anger -- Before It Controls You
We all know what anger is, and we've all felt it: whether as a fleeting
annoyance or as a full-fledged rage. Anger is a completely normal, usually
healthy, human emotion. But when it gets out of control and turns destructive,
it can lead to problems: problems at work, in your personal relationships and in
the overall quality of your life. And it can make you feel as though you're at
the mercy of an unpredictable and powerful emotion. This brochure is meant to
help you to understand and get a handle on handling anger.
What is Anger?
The Nature of Anger
Anger is 'an emotional state that varies in intensity from mild irritation to
intense fury and rage,' according to Charles Spielberger, Ph.D., a psychologist
who specializes in the study of anger. Like other emotions, it is accompanied by
physiological and biological changes; when you get angry, your heart rate and
blood pressure go up, as does the level of your energy hormones, adrenalin and
noradrenalin.
Anger can be caused by both external and internal events. You could be angry at
a specific person (Such as a coworker or supervisor) or event (a traffic jam, a
canceled flight), or your anger could be caused by worrying or brooding about
your personal problems. Memories of traumatic or enraging events can also
trigger angry feelings.
Expressing Anger
The instinctive, natural way to express anger is to respond aggressively. Anger
is a natural, adaptive response to threats; it inspires powerful, often
aggressive, feelings and behaviors, which allow us to fight and to defend
ourselves when we are attacked. A certain amount of anger, therefore, is
necessary to our survival.
On the other hand, we can't physically lash out at every person or object that
irritates or annoys us; laws, social norms and common sense place limits on how
far our anger can take us.
People use a variety of both conscious and unconscious processes to deal with
their angry feelings. The three main approaches are expressing, suppressing, and
calming.
Expressing your angry feelings in an assertive --not aggressive -- manner is the
healthiest way to express anger. To do this, you have to learn how to make clear
what your needs are, and how to get them met, without hurting others. Being
assertive doesn't mean being pushy or demanding; it means being respectful of
yourself and others.
Anger can be suppressed, and then converted or redirected. This happens when you
hold in your anger, stop thinking about it and focus on something positive. The
aim is to inhibit or suppress your anger and convert it into more constructive
behavior. The danger in this type of response is that if it isn't allowed
outward expression, your anger can turn inward -- on yourself. Anger turned
inward
may cause hypertension, high blood pressure or depression.
Unexpressed anger can create other problems. It can lead to pathological
expressions of anger, such as passive-aggressive behavior (getting back at
people indirectly, without telling them why, rather than confronting them
head-on) or a personality that seems perpetually cynical and hostile. People who
are constantly putting others down, criticizing everything and making cynical
comments haven't
learned how to constructively express their anger. Not surprisingly, they aren't
likely to have many successful relationships.
Finally, you can calm yourself down inside. This means not just controlling your
outward behavior but also controlling your internal responses, taking steps to
lower your heart rate, calm yourself down and let the feelings subside.
As Dr. Spielberger notes, 'when none of these three techniques work, that's when
someone - or something -- is going to get hurt.'
Anger Management
The goal of anger management is to reduce both your emotional feelings and the
physiological arousal that anger causes. You can't get rid of, or avoid, the
things or the people that enrage you, nor can you change them, but you can learn
to control your reactions.
Are You Too Angry?
There are psychological tests that measure the intensity of angry feelings, how
prone to anger you are and how well you handle it. But chances are good that if
you do have a problem with anger, you already know it. If you find yourself
acting in ways that seem out of control and frightening, you might need help
finding better ways to deal with this emotion.
Why Are Some People More Angry Than Others?
According to Jerry Deffenbacher, Ph.D., a psychologist who specializes in anger
management, some people are really more 'hotheaded' than others; they get angry
more easily and more intensely than the average person. There are also those who
don't show their anger in loud spectacular ways but are chronically irritable
and grumpy. Easily angered people don't always curse an throw things; sometimes
they withdraw socially, sulk or get physically ill.
People who are easily angered generally have what some psychologists call a low
tolerance for frustration, meaning simply that they feel that they should not
have to be subjected to frustration, inconvenience or annoyance. They can't take
things in stride, and they're particularly infuriated if the situation seems
somehow unjust: for example, being corrected for a minor mistake.
What makes these people this way? A number of things. One cause may be genetic
or physiological; there is evidence that some children are born irritable,
touchy and easily angered, and that these signs are present from a very early
age. Another may be sociocultural. Anger is often regarded as negative; we've
taught that it's all right to express anxiety, depression or other emotions but
not to express anger.
As a result, we don't learn how to handle it or channel it constructively.
Research has also found that family background plays a role. Typically, people
who are easily angered come from families that are disruptive, chaotic and not
skilled at emotional communications.
Is It Good to 'Let it All Hang Out'?
Psychologists now say that this is a dangerous myth. Some people use this theory
as a license to hurt others. Research has found that 'letting it rip' with anger
actually escalates anger and aggression and does nothing to help you (or the
person you're angry with) resolve the situation.
It's best to find out what it is that triggers your anger, and then to develop
strategies to deep those triggers from topping you over the edge.
What Strategies Can You Use to Keep Anger at Bay?
Relaxation
Simple relaxation tools such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery can help
calm down angry feelings.
There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once
you learn them you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a
relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for
both of you to learn these techniques.
Some simple steps you can try:
Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you.
Picture your breath coming up from your 'gut.' Slowly repeat a calm word or
phrase such as 'relax', 'take it easy'. Repeat it to yourself while breathing
deeply. Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or
your
imagination. Non-strenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and
make you feel much calmer. Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them
automatically when you're in a tense situation.
Cognitive Restructuring
Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse,
swear or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When
you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try
replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of
telling yourself, 'oh,
it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined,' tell yourself, 'it's
frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the
end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow.'
Be careful of words like 'never' or 'always' when talking about yourself or
someone else. 'This machine never works,' or 'you're always forgetting things'
are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is
justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and
humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.
For example, you have a friend who is constantly late when you make plans to
meet. Don't go on the attack; think instead about the goal you want to
accomplish (that is, getting you and your friend there at about the same time).
So avoid saying things like, 'You're always late! You're the most irresponsible,
inconsiderate person I have ever met!' The only goal that accomplishes is
hurting and angering your friend.
State what the problem is, and try to find a solution that works for both of
you; or take matters into your won hands by, for instance, setting your meeting
time a half-hour earlier so that your friend will, in fact, get there on time,
even if you have to trick him or her into doing it! Either way, the problem is
solved and the friendship isn't damaged.
Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't
make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).
Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become
irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world
is 'not out to get you,' you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of
daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll
help you get a more balanced perspective.
Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement,
willingness to do things their way.
Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't
get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren't met their
disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry
people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their
expectations into desires. In other words, saying 'I would like' something is
healthier than saying 'I demand' or 'I must have' something. When you're unable
to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions --frustration,
disappointment, hurt -- but not anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way
to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away.
Problem-Solving
Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable
problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy,
natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that
every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that
this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring such a situation, then,
is not to focus on finding the solution but rather on how you handle and face
the problem.
Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. (People who have trouble
with planning might find a good guide to organizing or time management
helpful.) Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an
answer doesn't come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions
and efforts, and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less
likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the
problem does not get solved right away.
Better Communication
Angry people tend to jump to --and act on-- conclusions, and some of those
conclusions can be pretty wild. The first thing to do, if you are in a heated
discussion, is to slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the
first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully
about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other
person is saying and take your time before answering.
Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain
amount of freedom and personal space, and your 'significant other' wants more
connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities,
don't retaliate by painting you partner as a jailer, a warden or an albatross
around your neck.
It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back.
Instead, listen to what's underlying the words: the message that this person
might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on
your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don't let your anger
--or a partner's-- let a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can
keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.
Using Humor
'Silly humor' can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can
help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a
name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that
word would literally look like. if you're at work and you think of a co-worker
as a 'dirt-bag' or a 'single-cell life form,' for example, picture a large bag
full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleagues desk, talking on the
phone, going to meetings. Do
this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can, draw
a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot of the
edge off your fury; and humor can always be relied on to help un-knot a tense
situation.
The underlying message of highly angry people, Dr. Deffenbacher says, is 'things
oughta go my way!' Angry people tend to feel that they are morally
correct, that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity
and that they should NOT have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not
them.
When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a
supreme ruler who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone
and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail
you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realize
that maybe you are being a little unreasonable; you'll also realize how
unimportant
the things you're angry about really are.
There are two cautions in using humor. First, don't try to just 'laugh off' your
problems; rather, use humor to help yourself face them more constructively.
Second, don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humor; that's just another form of
unhealthy anger expression.
What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself to seriously.
Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that, if
examined, can make you laugh.
Changing Your Environment
Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and
fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at
the trap you seem to have fallen into, and all the people and things that form
that trap.
Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some 'personal time' scheduled for
times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the
working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for
the first fifteen this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle
demands from her kids without blowing up at them.
Some other tips for easing up on yourself:
Timing: if you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night --
perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habit -- try changing
the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into
arguments.
Avoidance: if your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by
it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't
say, 'well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!' That's
not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm.
Finding alternatives: if your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a
state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project -- learn or map out a
different route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another
alternative, such as a bus or commuter train.
Do You Need Counseling?
If you feel that your anger is really out of control, if it is having an impact
on your relationships and on important parts of your life, you might consider
counseling to learn how to handle it better.
A psychologist or other licensed mental health professional can work with you in
developing a range of techniques for changing your thinking and you behaviors.
When you talk to a prospective therapist, tell her or him that you have problems
with anger that you want to work on, and ask about his or her approach to anger
management. Make sure this isn't only a course of action designed to 'put you in
touch with your feelings and express them' --that may be precisely what your
problem is.
With counseling, psychologists say, a highly angry person can move closer to a
middle range of anger in about 8 to 10 weeks, depending on circumstances and the
techniques used.
What About Assertiveness Training?
It's true that angry people need to learn to become assertive (rather than
aggressive), but most books and courses on developing assertiveness are aimed at
people who don't feel enough anger. These people are more passive and
acquiescent than the average person; they tend to let others walk all over them.
That
isn't something most angry people do. Still, these books can contain some useful
tactics to use in frustrating situations.
Remember, you can't eliminate anger -- and it wouldn't be a good idea if you
could. In spite of all your efforts, things will always happen that will cause
you anger. Life will always be filled with frustration, pain, loss and the
unpredictable actions of others. You can't change that; but you can change the
way you let such events affect you. Controlling your angry responses can keep
them from making you even more unhappy in the long run.
American Psychological Association
Who can help me?
Answer:
Wilmes-Reitz Psychological
23945 Calabasas Rd., Suite 202
Calabasas, California 91302
(818) 591-8270
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