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ELEVEN
POINTS FOR A BETTER MARRIAGE 1.
Commitment Give
100% effort toward the relationship. Don’t take it for granted or abandon it.
Promote your relationship first over all. Save
the best of yourself for
your spouse. Don’t compromise the boundaries of your relationship or devalue
your spouse in your mind. Rather, remember, rebuild
and renew what you had when you first fell in love. 2. Take Time
to maintain your marriage. Having a good
marriage is a daily decision. Take
time to work out problems and take time to have fun together. Talk with your
spouse daily and go out together at least once a week. Spend less time on
achieving and acquiring and more
time on “playing” together. 3. Listen to
your spouse’s inner experience and feelings. Then you will discover the real
issues. Listen to their “child part”. Listen for what is not being said.
Listen for what is right with the other person’s communication , not what is
wrong. Your spouse knows more about you than anyone else in the world. 4. Communicate your
needs. Learn to talk it out with out anger, withholding or detaching. Stay
present focused and solution focused. Share
your “soft” side of needs and wants as opposed to the “hard”
criticisms and demands. Use the form, “When you ... I feel ... therefore
...” 5. Accept and
respect your spouse rather than trying to control or change them. Blame is
counterproductive. What you hate in your spouse is usually what you hate in
yourself or relates to some quality you find missing in yourself. Fights resolve
when you are on the same side , the
same team. Know your spouse’s sensitivities and be gentle in
those areas. Let your spouse “get away with” idiosyncrasies and
imperfections. 6. Act,
don’t react. Be in charge of your own behavior. Take time out rather than
saying the wrong thing. Ask yourself how you’re responsible for the other’s
behavior . Be ready to help your spouse change rather than to criticize. the
only way to change the marital relationship is to change the “marital
formula” by what you put into it. 7. Encourage the
positives, the change and
improvements in your spouse. There should be at least three “positives” for
every criticism. 8.
Vulnerability The
sign of emotional scarring is the unwillingness to be vulnerable. The joy of
intimacy is only found when vulnerable. Allowing your vulnerability can be
strong, not weak, and is actually a more powerful stance when working out your
relationship. 9. Balance closeness
and distance, roles, and personal qualities. Don’t be one-sided which forces
you spouse to “play out” the other side. “Own” your other side. Balance
the power in the relationship. Without equal power and equal respect. working
out the relationship will not get off the ground. 10. Perspective
Developing
perspective allows us to stand back from ourselves and see the big picture.
Marriage is not easy. It is a discipline for one’s pruning and growth. Love is
something higher than the romantic; it is a journey to finding your whole self. 11. Consider
Outside Help Most
marriages can be saved if the problems are addressed soon enough. Sorting out
marital problems can be difficult and may require expert intervention.
When an old
problem
requires a new
solution...
Wilmes-Reitz
Psychological |
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